The Pittsburgh Pirates have distributed a survey to fans in hopes of evaluating their level of satisfaction with the franchise. These are the real questions with the actual multiple-choice options for responses.
Let’s take the survey together, shall we?
1. Overall, what is your impression of the Pittsburgh Pirates?
A) Terrible
B) Poor
C) Average
D) Good
E) Excellent
Answer: A) Terrible
Comments: What is my impression of the Pirates? It’s your impression that’s the problem. You’ve been doing a horrible impression of a Major League Baseball franchise for most of the last four decades.
2. Do you perceive the Pittsburgh Pirates as a prestigious organization?
A) No
B) Neutral
C) Yes
Answer: A) No
Comments: What year do you think this is? How many Pirates season ticketholders had email in the 1970s?
If you meant “historic,” yes. The Lumber Company. “We Are Family.” Clemente. Pops. The Cobra. Maz. Honus Wagner. The Killer Bs, n’at. But “prestigious?”
“Prestige” left town when Randall Simon hit that sausage on the head in Milwaukee, if not about 10 years before that.
3. Do you find attending Pittsburgh Pirates games worth your time?
A) No
B) Neutral
C) Yes
Answer: C) Yes.
Comments: Sure. If it’s sunny out, not too hot or humid, there are fireworks, the Pirate Parrot shoots me a hot dog out of his cannon, and I get a supercool bobblehead.
4. Would you imagine yourself, a friend, or a family member being proud to work for the Pittsburgh Pirates?
A) Definitely not
B) Probably not
C) Might or might not
D) Probably yes
E) Definitely Yes
Answer: A) Definitely not
Comments: Especially if they work in whatever department it is that came up with this survey.
5. Overall, do the Pittsburgh Pirates make you feel satisfied as a fan?
A) No
B) Sometimes
C) Yes
Answer: A) No
Comments: Pfft! You’ve had four winning seasons since 1992. You haven’t won a division since 1992. You haven’t won a full playoff series since 1979. You haven’t made the playoffs since 2015.
Are you serious with this question? This is Pittsburgh! We know the “standard is the standard.” And that standard is to never be satisfied unless you finish “above the mean.”
Just ask the guys who play in the stadium at the other end of the parking lot.
6.Would you recommend attending a Pittsburgh Pirates game to a family member, a friend, or an acquaintance?
A) Definitely Not
B) Probably Not
C) Might or might not
D) Probably Yes
E) Definitely Yes
Answer: C) Might or might not
Comments: Depends. Is Paul Skenes pitching? Are the Dodgers in town?
7.To what extent do you agree with the following statement? The Pittsburgh Pirates are committed to the greater Pittsburgh community.
A) Strongly disagree
B) Somewhat disagree
C) Neither agree nor disagree
D) Somewhat agree
E) Strongly agree
Answer: E) Strongly agree
Comments: You are thoroughly committed to taking the community’s money and doing nothing with it.
8. To what extent do you agree with the following statement? The Pittsburgh Pirates, as an organization, care about building a winning team.
A) Strongly disagree
B) Somewhat disagree
C) Neither agree nor disagree
D) Somewhat agree
E) Strongly agree
Answer: A) Strongly disagree
Comments: You just brought back Adam Frazier after he hit .202. You traded him when he was hitting .324 in 2021. You tell me how I should answer this question.
Ask me again when you trade Skenes for the next round of Joe Musgrove, Michael Feliz, Colin Moran and Jason Martin like you did when you sold Gerrit Cole.
9. To what extent do you agree with the following statement? The Pittsburgh Pirates are committed to on-field performance and improvement.
A) Strongly disagree
B) Somewhat disagree
C) Neither agree nor disagree
D) Somewhat agree
E) Strongly agree
Answer: A) Strongly disagree
Comments: Is this your way of trying to get me to buy a Spencer Horwitz jersey?
10. Lastly, to what extent do you agree with the following statement? Overall, the Pittsburgh Pirates are heading in a positive direction.
A) Strongly disagree
B) Somewhat disagree
C) Neither agree nor disagree
D) Somewhat agree
E) Strongly agree
Answer: A) Strongly disagree
Comments: Well, unless you are adding a second pierogi race per game, and every night is “Pup at the Park” night. If so, I’m listening.