During his season-ending press conference Monday, Pittsburgh Penguins general manager Kyle Dubas busted out a tried-and-true, grandpappy-approved cliche to describe the big-picture view of attempting to improve a franchise.
“You can hope in one hand and (defecate) in the other and see which one fills up first,” Dubas said.
Well, my guess is Penguins fans are going to keep hoping anyway.
In fact, they better hope the GM isn’t full of the excrement he just described.
After two years of missing the playoffs under his stewardship, I can’t blame any of Dubas’ critics who might be thinking that’s the case.
Yet I am constantly told by Penguins fans that Dubas and the Penguins have a plan, unlike the other two struggling pro sports franchises in the city.
I disagree. The Steelers have a plan.
That plan is to rebuild a capable offense and supplement their aging stars on defense with as many role players as possible, as they blindly feel their way in the dark for a quarterback qualified enough to extend their 21-year streak of non-losing seasons.
The Pirates have a plan too: Lean into the young starting pitching and borderline Major-League-ready offensive prospects while spending as little money as possible on veteran bullpen help and power bats in hopes of scratching their way to a winning season for just the fifth time since 1992 while simultaneously turning a profit via bobbleheads and fireworks.
Hey, I said they both clubs had plans. I didn’t say they were good plans.
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Based on his comments Monday, Dubas’ plan — near as I can figure — goes a little something like this:
• Use the team’s recently built-up cache of draft picks and cap space to restock the roster through trades and restricted free agent acquisitions so as to get the NHL depth chart layered with quality mid-20-year-old players that can help the team immediately upon arrival.
• Stay committed to some combination of Tristan Jarry, Alex Nedeljkovic and Joel Blomqvist in goal until hot prospect Sergei Murashov is ready.
• Expand the roles of Ville Koivunen and Rutger McGroarty so that they are nightly positives as at least consistent “middle six” contributors up front next year.
• Rebuild the left side of the defense.
• Convince Erik Karlsson to care about defense (and winning) if he can’t be traded.
Oh, yeah, and do all that while holding onto $31 million of contracts for five other 30-plus-year-old players in Sidney Crosby, Kris Letang, Evgeni Malkin, Bryan Rust, and Rickard Rakell.
Not to mention, retaining the head coach that hasn’t won a playoff series since 2018 that no one seems to want to fire.
Are both of Dubas’ hands full yet?
They better not be, because that’s an awfully tight needle to thread if he is trying to reconstruct another contending team before Crosby’s contract expires at the end of the 2027 playoffs.
“Our goal is to build the team back to being a contender for the Stanley Cup,” Dubas said. “It’s not trying to find a way to just sneak into the playoffs. It’s trying to find a way to arrive back there and then remain there in contention.”
If that’s truly his goal, somebody get Dubas to the NFL combine. Measure his hands to make sure they aren’t Kenny Pickett-sized. He’s gonna need a little more space in his palms.
“We’re pushing because I think that’s what the organization here is used to. It’s what the fans want. We just have to stick to a very concise plan and then execute our butts off,” Dubas said.
Hmm, is that all?
Look, I’m not saying Dubas’ plan is flawed or misguided. In fact, a lot of what he is saying makes sense.
I’m not saying it can’t be done. I’m just saying it’s going to be difficult to do within two years before they have to reassess Crosby’s contract again. Dubas was reluctant to put any sort of timeline on turning things around. Whether he is willing to acknowledge it or not, though, Crosby’s future in Pittsburgh is that window before things completely change.
But, Kyle, if you can pull it off, I’ll be the first one in line to shake your hand.
Just, um, use a little sanitizer first if you don’t mind, please.