Valentine’s Day is a holiday all about communicating love. Whether through a bouquet of flowers, a card scrawled with heartfelt words or heart-shaped candies stamped with affectionate phrases, this is the time to express love to our nearest and dearest.
But what about the other 364 days of the year?
Couples therapists say good long-term communication requires making time on a regular basis and meeting your partner where they are. Frameworks such as “the Five Love Languages” can help you know yourself and your partner.
“The biggest challenge for couples is definitely communication,” said Brent W. Hansen, a licensed professional counselor in Pleasant Hills who works with couples of all ages.
“Communication is at the heart of it,” said Bonnie Wargo, a Pittsburgh therapist who works with individuals and couples. “But the part we all get wrong is thinking that communication equals talking. Communication is not always words. It can be body language, it can be tone.”
Using the ‘Five Love Languages’
Gary Chapman’s 1992 book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” is a benchmark for many therapists. Chapman, who served as a Baptist pastor for decades, outlines five ways people may best express love through gestures and communication:
• Acts of service: Doing a chore that your significant other hates, or performing a task that removes stress or emotional burdens from your partner.
• Receiving gifts: From spontaneous small treats to especially thoughtful birthday presents.
• Words of affirmation: Verbal assurances of love and appreciation.
• Physical touch: As simple as making sure to hold your partner’s hand or giving a good-night kiss.
• Quality time: Doing things together, such as a favorite hobby or regular date nights.
“I literally have that book sitting in front of me right now,” Hansen said of Chapman’s work. “I recommend it to a lot of couples.”
Alison Steele, 41, has been with her husband, Christian Korey, for 11 years. She knows that his love language is acts of service — and that he intuits her need for quality time very well.
“He knows I need quality time and makes an effort to be sure I get it,” she said. “I also know it’s not as much of a priority for him, and I try not to take that personally — but I’ll request more if I need it.”
While many researchers warn against seeing the Five Love Languages as the ultimate, one-size-fits-all method of figuring each other out, many professionals consider it a useful starting point.
Carli King, a licensed family therapist in Pittsburgh, thinks the Five Love Languages model can do more help than harm. “Any things like that can be incredibly useful when used appropriately.”
She said it’s important to use tools to meet your partner where they are, not to dismiss any part of them that can’t be easily put into a box. “I think that all of the pop quizzes people can do … they have to be well-placed, and sometimes a professional can help you apply it in the best way.”
If couples are on an even keel, figuring out whether your partner responds best to a spontaneous day out, a foot rub or a surprise teddy bear is good to know. But the professionals don’t think that should be the first avenue to explore if the relationship is rocky.
Other tips and tools
Whether you’re going through a rough patch or just trying to build a stronger foundation, the pros have plenty of advice.
King finds the work of John Gottman particularly useful for her clients, citing his easy-to-remember Four Horsemen of Communication — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. These four characteristics can predict the end of a relationship, if not corrected.
• Criticism refers to tearing down your partner’s qualities, not specific critiques or expressions of feelings.
• Contempt is a continual and angry line of attack that assumes the speaker is morally superior to their partner.
• Defensiveness — often a response to criticism — is characterized by deflection of responsibility.
• Stonewalling is often a response to contempt that involves simply shutting down and withdrawing from interaction altogether.
King said that finding alternatives to these pitfalls can really change the face of a relationship.
“If we can change the way we’re discussing the problem, there’s often a lot more opportunity to be creative and find solutions,” she said.
If she can give only one piece of advice, King tells people to learn how to listen to their partner more actively.
“While expressing themselves is something that people are challenged with — I don’t want to downplay that — most people are better at expressing how they feel than they are at actively listening to what’s being communicated to them.”
Hansen recommends scheduling time to maintain the base of communication. “In a more informal way, the daily check-ins are important too. Asking ‘how are you doing? How was your day?’ And then actually listening to the response, to what the partner is trying to communicate.”
He said that without the day-to-day knowledge, people can assume that when their partner expresses frustration, it is always directed at them. But that isn’t always true. “We start reacting to them in a negative way — when really it has nothing to do with what they’re actually upset about,” he said.
Even if obstacles like busy schedules, young kids and chores get in the way of daily talks, couples should make a firm rule to sit down once a week for a date night and catch-up, allowing them to reconnect and prevent important personal thoughts from falling to the wayside.
Steele agreed that scheduling time makes all the difference for her relationship.
“We’re on different schedules, and each of us often wants to talk when the other is busy. So it does take intentionality, sometimes an overt request for a few minutes to talk about something,” she said. “I have a time-consuming job … so, as unromantic as it sounds, I make sure we have a chance every day to connect.” In addition, Steele and her husband spend an evening together every week and plan a novel activity every month.
Wargo said it’s important to drill down at the source of a conflict, not just react on a surface level.
“What is it that’s upsetting you about the dishwasher being loaded the wrong way? Do you feel your partner isn’t listening to you or is disrespecting you? Does this mean they don’t care about your home or stuff?” she said. “Understanding what the underlying feeling is before ever bringing it up, before working it through and sort of brainstorming with your partner, can be really helpful.”
She also said it’s important to negotiate needs together, instead of one person simply blurting out a need and following with an ultimatum. Allowing the other to consider how they can meet that need — and coming up with a compromise — will not only help with communication but make them stronger together in the long run.
Steele has a piece of advice for couples: “Know what prioritizing your relationship looks like for you and for your partner. They may be — and most likely are — different things. Talk about what those are, and make sure you’re both feeling loved. It probably won’t feel ‘romantic’ to have those conversations, but they’re necessary for long-term stability.
“Issues don’t resolve on their own,” she continued, “and the earlier you talk about disconnects, the easier it is to address them. … Recognizing challenges doesn’t mean your relationship is in danger. In fact, it will help to make it stronger.”