Gray hair isn’t the only thing happening to some Americans as they age.
More than ever, married Americans 50 and older are filing for divorce. The statistical trend has spawned the catchphrase “gray divorce” for the often gray-haired individuals choosing to end their marriages. Nearly 40 percent of divorces are now between people 50 and older, according to the National Center for Family Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University.
Robert Buchanan of Ross never thought he’d be a part of the gray divorce group that first surged during the 1990s through the late 2000s.
“This interview is the first time I’ve heard that term,” said Buchanan, 48, who’s co-owner of Allusion Brewing Co. in Vandergrift. “I feel so cheated out of my life right now, but thankful that the marriage is ending while I still have a few years to rebuild.”
Buchanan said his 26-year marriage ended for many reasons. He blames, in part, smartphones and social media as a factor in the increase in gray divorces — as people see others leading glamorous lives, it feeds the idea that “so much is missing” in yours.
Gray divorce contributing factors
Melissa Ghelarducci Hancock of the South Hills is a divorce coach and developmental therapist specializing in conflict, recovery and resolution. In 2022, she created a divorce coaching program called “I Do. I Did. I’m Done.”
She thought the bulk of her clients would be in their late 30s and 40s. But most of them are 40 and older, and are predominantly female, said Hancock, herself divorced and 53.
Hancock has observed that gray divorces are not usually the result of one big blowup between a couple. Instead, it’s a slow build over some years. The contributing factors are many: emotional, physical and financial abuse; mental health issues; infidelity; growing apart after putting kids, work and responsibilities first; empty-nest reality; loneliness; lack of affection and connection; power imbalances; caregiving strain; substance-abuse issues; and personality traits that become harder to live with over time.
Hancock noted that AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) coined the phrase “gray divorce” in 2004. The statistics over time have borne it out. In 1990, there were 3.9 divorces per 1,000 married women ages 50 and older. The rate for that group rose to 11 per 1,000 by 2008, according to a 2025 Pew Research Center report. As of 2023, the rate dropped to 10.3.
Additionally, for couples aged 65 or older, divorce rates have almost tripled in recent decades — from 5% in 1990 to 15% in 2022.
Hancock cited one client who felt financially abused. She was provided $250 a month to run the household and had zero access to the marital bank account.
“The husband had everything under lock and key,” Hancock said. “Some of my clients have had to ‘do stuff’ to get more money, like sexual favors to their husbands. I’m getting more of the older women and they’re not tolerating it anymore.”
Hancock, who is not an attorney, coaches people to get strategic, organized and clear-headed before contacting a divorce attorney or mediator.
“I help them to avoid making emotional decisions that can cost them thousands and drag out the divorce process,” Hancock said. “After we clarify goals and priorities, I help them determine which legal professional makes the most sense and connect them with a vetted option when needed.”
Sondra Hathaway of Canonsburg hired Hancock in 2023 when she found herself “terrified” of the thought of her 26-year marriage ending.
She was 52 and had been a homemaker.
“Most of my friends were all married. I had no idea what to do when I called her. When you’re hit with something as difficult and life-changing as divorce, you’re trying to navigate that. It looked absolutely insurmountable and I needed help,” Hathaway said.
Hathaway’s divorce was considered non-conflict because she and her ex-husband were amicable. Hancock recommended divorce mediation.
Her divorce was final in January 2024. Hathaway attributes the mediation process as beneficial because the mediator is not partial.
Hathaway stressed that anyone facing a gray divorce seek resources and remain hopeful.
“Don’t rush into anything and make sure that you have support, whether it’s a therapist or divorce coach so you’re not making decisions out of emotion but due diligence,” Hathaway said. “There’s always hope, even in your 50s. You can always find a way to navigate it.”
Broken bonds
Jeanine Lardin of Greensburg was 52 when she filed for divorce from her husband of 13 years. She described her gray divorce experience as “complicated.”
Lardin, now 54, had a 12-year age difference with her older ex-husband. She said navigating a post-divorce lifestyle has been, at times, a struggle.
“It’s not too bad because he still goes to the club where we’re both members, and, literally, I’ve shot pool against him. We’re friendly enough but it’s a definitely a little awkward,” said Lardin.
Her biggest post-divorce adjustment has been learning household handyman tasks once handled by her ex.
“It’s new to me. I have been struggling with navigating my way through life now that I don’t have a husband,” said Lardin, who was married and divorced twice. “I’ve pretty much always had a man to do everything. Here I am now learning how to cut the grass. I recently had to buy a drill.”
When married, the couple co-parented five children. The pandemic proved to add additional stressors to the relationship.
“We turned into different people than who we were. I hate to blame covid, but that’s when things really took a giant turn, when we were together all of the time,” Lardin said.
Lardin is back in the dating scene. She has this advice for married women:
“Don’t overlook the small things that your husband does for you and you don’t realize how important they are until they’re gone,” Lardin said. “He, too, may be missing how I took care of everything. But to me, it’s a lot of the little things that you miss.”
Lardin decreed this divorce will be her last.
“I’m done with marriage. My boyfriend says three times is the charm. And I say three strikes, you’re out,” Lardin said.
Gray divorce hits different
Gray divorce is a different emotional beast than early-life divorce, said Hancock.
Hancock noted the issues in a long-term marriage are usually different and can include retirement and pension decisions, long-term asset division, real estate and downsizing, adult kid issues, caregiving for aging parents and the overall emotional shock of ending a decades-long identity and partnership.
“After 20 or 30 years, people don’t just divorce a person, they divorce a whole identity. That’s why it hits different,” Hancock said. “In gray divorce, the fight isn’t usually about love — it’s about retirement and security.”
Late middle age “can be an awakening. Why do they want to stay miserable? This is the feedback I’m getting,” said Hancock of her mostly female client base. “I even have clients entering their 80s now thinking of divorcing.”
Men should pay closer attention to their wives, she said, particularly when the women are nearing their 50s. Making clear that she “was not bashing men,” she said that “many women don’t need to rely on their husbands for everything.”
Hancock said in her experience, most married men just don’t say out of the blue “I want a divorce” unless they have someone else in mind.
Menopause and matrimony
Based on experience gained in her practice, Hancock knows the menopause years don’t always mix well with matrimony. She sees clients who think they’re “going crazy” when it’s usually related to changes in perimenopause and menopause .
Hancock has a professional hormone nurse she recommends to female clients in perimenopause and menopause.
With more people living longer and divorce more socially acceptable, Hancock predicts gray divorce statistics will increase.
Hancock’s goal is to help clients know what they’re getting into before they make the move.
“I’ve had women call me from hiding in their closets or cars,” she said. “Peace is a strategy.”
Navigating Gray Divorce
Julie Colton, a family law attorney and partner at the firm Obermayer, has practiced more than 20 years in Downtown Pittsburgh. She has both male and females clients in the gray divorce category.
Two pivotal time periods in married life that can contribute to gray divorce, she said.
“One is becoming an empty-nester and adjusting to a child-free home. The other is retirement, when one or both parties are no longer working,” Colton said. “That adjustment — spending more time in the home together — can lead to a reconsideration of the marriage. Most gray divorces are longer marriages. Sometimes I’m consulted before making a divorce decision so that they understand the entire process.”
Colton said some of her clients are children of divorced parents themselves. They aim to avoid divorce drama they may have experienced in childhood.
“They may be more likely to exit peacefully and avoid the fighting or the drama, because they want to avoid what happened to them, happening to their children,” Colton said.
But it’s not all gray skies in the gray divorce world.
“Sometimes,” Colton said, “I’ve had couples reconcile during the divorce process.”