How we ruin sports (first in a series):
Fantasy leagues are bad for sports.
Many of you doubtless think fantasy leagues are cool. You’re in three or four. It’s a big part of your life.
That’s because you’re pathetic dweebs.
You think it brings you and your friends together. What, you wouldn’t be friends otherwise?
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Fantasy league warps your loyalties. It makes sports about “me.” You pretend to be GM, a position you’re wholly unqualified for.
You’re a Steelers fan. They lead by three late in the fourth quarter. But Cincinnati is inside the Steelers’ 20. A Joe Burrow touchdown pass gets you the win in fantasy league that week.
You’re rooting for Burrow to throw that touchdown. However quietly, depending on the setting.
Bengals touchdown, Steelers lose, you’re happy, me over us, fantasy over the Steelers, don’t you dare lie and claim otherwise.
I won a fantasy hockey league when my best player was Eric Lindros of the Philadelphia Flyers. I hate the Flyers. I don’t play fantasy hockey anymore. The money I won was fruit of a poisoned tree. I kicked the habit.
Fantasy geeks can’t just watch games. They’re glued to NFL RedZone, frantically calculating their fantasy scores and standings with every touchdown. Their favorite player is “me.”
Fantasy team names are the worst, too. Usually some twisted sexual pun, or something dark based on a player’s misfortune.
I saw “Big Dak Energy,” “Dak in a Box,” “Dak to the Future” and “Baby Got Dak,” and that’s just those riffing on Dak Prescott.
Sports are supposed to be about supporting a team and being part of something bigger than you.
With fantasy leagues, you crown yourself king and distort your priorities. You lessen your enjoyment, whether you know it or not.
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But fantasy leagues aren’t alone. We ruin sports in plenty of other ways. (More to come.)