“SELL THE TEAM! SELL THE TEAM! SELL THE TEAM!”
Except he won’t.
So the joke’s on you.
Saturday was the epitome of Bob Nutting’s Pirates.
It was sold out because the first 20,000 entering got Paul Skenes bobbleheads.
But Nutting saw the lines that extended far away from PNC Park and said, “What the heck! Bobbleheads for everybody!” Those following the first 20,000 through the turnstiles get ’em later.
Which made those who showed up early to wait in line for hours look like fools. (Accurately so.)
What a magnanimous gesture by the hillbilly prince.
But then the Pirates played, they stunk and got shut out. Things exploded like a pinata.
Andrew McCutchen sat because he needs to be rested for July when the Pirates are 15 games out of a playoff spot. The lineup made little sense and often doesn’t.
Oneil Cruz sleepwalked. He lined a single, the right fielder misplayed it, it rolled to the wall, but Cruz stopped at first base because he’s either lazy, a moron or both. That hit had an exit velocity of 118 mph. Divide that number in half and you get Cruz’s baseball IQ. Maybe his IQ, period. #BaseballForDummies
Enmanuel Valdez was out at third when he slid, got injured, raised his hand to call time and was tagged when he removed that hand from the bag. Only the Pirates.
Skenes allowed six hits in seven innings. Four strikeouts. Good outing, not spectacular. Skenes’ velocity is down just a bit. Perhaps he’s already saving himself for New York or Los Angeles.
The fans chanted “SELL THE TEAM! SELL THE TEAM! SELL THE TEAM!” Even as they clutched their bobbleheads.
It was chaos. The Pirates are exhausting.
Skenes is getting tired of it: “Positive feelings and friendships don’t win championships.”
Neither does Derek Shelton.
At season’s end, Skenes should ask to be traded. He can’t make more money till he hits arbitration in 2027. But the Pirates aren’t giving Skenes a chance to compete. They’re wasting him. Pirates fans would back Skenes or at least wouldn’t blame him.
It didn’t get better Sunday. The Pirates lost as Cleveland completed a series sweep. But at least only 12,433 witnessed it on a beautiful afternoon for baseball.
Bloodlust has set in. The citizens want to fire the manager and GM.
But sacking Shelton and Ben Cherington wouldn’t change anything.
Shelton’s replacement would be the next Shelton. Low-rent. Bench coach Donnie Kelly or whoever. The guy that’s been sitting next to Shelton.
Cherington’s replacement wouldn’t get any more money to spend.
Let’s say the Pirates start doing things perfectly.
Call up Bubba Chandler.
Jared Jones heals up and pitches well immediately.
David Bednar is back. Maybe he’ll be good again.
Play the right lineup every game. Manage perfectly.
Give Cruz a brain transplant.
Guess what? The Pirates still aren’t a .500 team.
They need better players.
Somebody is going to get fired. If Jed Clampett is willing to provide the hoi polloi nearly 18,000 extra bobbleheads, he’ll give ’em somebody’s head by way of appeasement. Maybe give Kelly the manager’s job but make him work under his existing contract. No extra dollars get spent.
Cherington went on the radio and said, regarding Saturday’s bobblehead frenzy, “Seeing those lines, you start to think ahead to a playoff game.”
How dare that Dollar General-level Syd Thrift act like that’s even a remote possibility anytime soon?
The Pirates are 8-15. Last place in the National League Central. Cheap and incompetent at every level.
It’s impossible to ignore losing.
But the horse manure is what’s intolerable.